Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
