were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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