I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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