I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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