Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
