I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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