her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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