I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
