I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
