Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you win again, gameday.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
