Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
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The beer is more important than you right now.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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