Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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