hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
