I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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