Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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