so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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