I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
porn star boner night. come get it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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