Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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