why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
