Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
