I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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