dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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