I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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