it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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