I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
