Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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