when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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