It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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