3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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