i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
