im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
