Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
