Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
