Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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