the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
