I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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