Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
