i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
