he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
