TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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