I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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