I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
