I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
