paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
