i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
