I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
