I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
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The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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