There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
