I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
