Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Man, jail baloney is awful.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
