if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Come see our sink grown plant.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
