I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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