ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
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Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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