i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
