I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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