I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
