Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize