I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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